The Secret Ward of Chicago - Early Edition - February 18, 2025
Variations on a Continuing Theme of Weather, and The Dynamics of Surprise
The Chicagosphere becomes wrapped once more in a Cold One, to borrow a term from The Ancients, and by “Ancients” I of course mean anyone who has lived in Chicago and all that resides beneath it’s sphere for longer than the time it takes to decide between gloves and mittens before cracking the front door. I term those of us in that category “The Ancients” because we must be imbued with some manner of deep, elemental and indestructible wisdom born of the pavement we walk that lets us remember from year to year that Chicago gets cold in February, while a not-insignificant section of the our population behaves like they’ve been blindsided by some unknown vengeance wrought of a disgruntled cryomancer.
And yes, the main cryomancer we have in the Ward is disgruntled, but that’s only because he got super-annoyed with the changes the NBA made to All-Star Weekend this year (rightly so), and Esteban assures us that that disgruntlement does not rise to the level of Complete Urban Polar Spell. He’s also assured me that he’s been too busy making ice-dioramas for Branham Tower’s latest lobbyscape to come up with such a nefarious plot anyway.
So while surprise amongst those who SHOULD know better remains a perplexing phenomenon, weeks like these are always a good opportunity to post the Ward Office’s tips on dealing with a Cold One. Some are…
Let Your Faucets Drip: Just what it says let the faucets in your home drip juuuuuuuust the slightest amount. This will keep your pipes from freezing. It’s a simple thing to do, and a cosmically unique thing to do, because you will never repeat this act successfully in one try, in consecutive attempts. If someone tells you they have repeated this act successfully in one try in consecutive attempts, cut them out of your life completely, because they are a liar. There is not a faucet made in known reality that has a juuuuuuust drip function. Nor is there a system established by mortal hands that can compensate for that glaring hole in the mechanical market. It is all done by finesse and the whim of the moment. When you hit it though? The slight drip? Top 10 moment. “What about the birth of my child?” Shut up.
Let Your Appliances Argue: They’re probably pretty quiet normally. Under these weather conditions though? Let them argue. No matter what the argument is about, let them have at it, and no matter the reason they can talk, . Cybernetically Enhanced? Sentient? Haunted? Doesn’t matter. Enchanted? Doesn’t matter. They’re a person cursed by a Sears Witch and turned into an air fryer I keep telling you it doesn’t matter. Let them argue. They need to get it out of their system and also whhyyyyyyyyyyyy are you using an air fryer that used to be a person? Is there a magic rose with petals falling off it somewhere in your house? Call the Office and answer these questions immediately.
Layer Up: Multiple layers of clothes, no matter how stupid you think you look, will carry you in comfort. And rest assured, you WILL look stupid. That’s just how it has to be. You have to leave wherever you are looking like you cut arm-holes and an eye-slot in a sleeping bag, then filled it with space-heaters because the cute shit WILL let you down. The good thing about this fashion-function exchange, however, is it’s mathematically clarity. The stupider you look, the warmer you’ll be. So fear no stupid. Check the mirror. If you give yourself a muffled “oh god” through blanket-scarf, you are ready to go outside.
Do these things and you’ll be fine. Also help out others in the cold whenever you can. Check on neighbors, bring over something warm to someone who needs it. Hell, call a friend. That sort of thing always elevates the temperature. Or just move so my friends can have your apartment.
This week in the main newsletter we’ll talk the upcoming Arts & Culture Week, follow a weather motif and examine the concept of “Real Feel” in all it’s forms, and talk about what people are talking about when they talk about the tree across from the Ward Office that has started glowing.
This has been the Secret Ward of Chicago Early Edition for Tuesday, February 18, 2025. Tell absolutely no one about it.
Stay bundled, everyone.
